Thursday, September 11, 2008

Thursday Rules: 9/11/08

Rule #1:

Women who recently decided to vote for McCain just because he picked a female running mate do not deserve their voting privileges. Now, if you are a woman who agrees with Sarah Palin's stance on major political issues, that's fine. But if you were a staunch Clinton supporter, odds are your political views are basically the complete opposite of Sarah Palin's. If you know that, but you still want to vote for McCain because you're bitter about Clinton's loss in the primaries and you just want to see a woman - ANY woman - in power, you are spitting in the face of every suffragette who fought for your right to vote. I guarantee there aren't a lot of staunch black Republicans who are going to vote for Obama just because he's half black (although, I could also guarantee there aren't a lot of stauch black Republicans, period).

Rule #2:

If you cheered when you heard that Tom Brady got hurt and will miss the entire football season, you are a terrible person. All he has ever done is play football as well as he can, and in recent years that's put him at the top of the NFL. Why would you hate on someone just for being really good at his or her job? Is is just because he's not the quarterback for YOUR team? If you hate Tom Brady it's due to jealousy, plain and simple. Suck it up and try to muster up some humanity.

Rule #3:

Stop changing the Final Jeopardy music. I still haven't adjusted to the last time it changed, like, twelve years ago. The new "ticking clock" music is grating and bothersome, and I don't like it. I know that expecting Jeopardy to bend to my whims seems egotistical, but I am one of the few remaining Jeopardy viewers. Most channels that sindicate Jeopardy do so mostly out of habit. I'll check with the other three viewers, but I'm pretty sure they'll agree with me.

Rule #4:

Gwen Stefani has to rejoin No Doubt, and they have to put out another album. A GOOD album. Not like "Rock Steady". They have to record something more along the lines of "Tragic Kingdom". Gwen Stefani's solo career has been an abomination, and as a trained musician I find it legitimately offensive. I'd require Fergie to rejoin the Black Eyed Peas also, but that's a case of a group that was awful before the singer ran off to defecate all over mainstream music. All of Fergie's hit "songs" consist of her spelling out words over a hip hop beat. Now, teaching teenaged girls would be fine, except all of Fergie's words are made up.

Rule #5:

Whoever keeps green-lighting the "Movie" movies ("Date Movie," "Epic Movie," "Disaster Movie," etc.) should have been fired years ago. They are one of the two embodiments of everything that is wrong with America right now (the other is the Triple Whopper). There has been an ever-growing current of anti-intellectualism in America for the last eight years (gee, I wonder what caused that), and producing absolute drivel for the consumption of the American public is only making things worse. Now, I know there is an argument that maybe music, movies and TV right now are stupid because people are stupid, not the other way around. But the only way to know for sure is to take away the insipid stimuli and see what happens. If we got rid of "Movie" movies, inane pop music and reality TV shows, we'd probably have a cure for cancer within a few weeks.