Tuesday, July 29, 2008

5 Gay Guys That Staight Guys Like

Over the last ten years or so, the American gay community has become much more prominent in American culture. Naturally, this has brought the American homophobic community into prominence as well. It didn't hurt the homophobe cause that one of their own was elected President eight years ago. Homophobia seems to be especially prominent among men. There are some gay guys, though, that even the most homophobic frat boys (openly) respect and admire. Here are the top 5:

5.) Chuck Palahniuk

Guys love the movie Fight Club. For this reason, guys love just about everyone associated with Fight Club. Brad Pitt, Edward Norton, David Fincher, and of course the man who wrote the book upon which the movie was based, Chuck Palahniuk. Chuck's first hit novel, Choke, was the basis for an upcoming movie of the same name. If that movie also becomes a hit, it will further strengthen straight guys' admiration for the man who brought them Fight Club.

4.) Bryan Singer

Superman Returns aside, Bryan Singer brought us two high-quality comic book movies, X-Men and X2: X-Men United. His X-Men movie reinvigorated the superhero movie genre, opening the door for the Spider-Man movies, Iron Man, and Christopher Nolan's superb Batman franchise reboot. Prior to the X-Men movies, Singer made a splash as the director of the cult classic The Usual Suspects. Nerds everywhere owe this guy a big thank-you.

3.) Sir Ian McKellan

Speaking of nerds, Gandalf himself holds down the #3 spot on the list. Oh, and he was in the X-Men movies, too. McKellan's penchant for trilogy franchises introduced him to a new generation who were not familiar with his work as an accomplished Shakespearean actor. Nerds everywhere now worship the man for his iconic portrayal as Gandalf the Grey/White.

2.) Neil Patrick Harris

This guy is EVERYWHERE nowadays, and everything he touches turns to gold. His self-mocking over-the-top party guy turn in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle set NPH's career revival in motion. Now he's stealing scenes as chronic womanizer Barney Stinson on CBS's How I Met Your Mother (which is the best three-camera sitcom on TV right now), and his starring role in Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is further cementing his status as the embodiment of all that is awesome. No doubt about it, Neil Patrick Harris has become legen...wait for it...dary.

1.) Freddie Mercury

Freddie Mercury was, and still is, the man. He fronted one of the greatest rock bands of all time. He is the standard against which all lead singers are measured, and every one has been found lacking. He was charismatic, he was talented, and he was an all-around gifted musician. Freddie wrote more rock anthems than anyone else, and I challenge you to go to a sporting event and not hear one of his hit songs. From the pompous ambition of "Bohemian Rhapsody" to the brutal simplicity of "We Will Rock You," Freddie left an imprint on the world of rock that no one else can ever fill.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The All-Star Game Was Really Freakin' Long

My hat is off to anyone who managed to watch the entire MLB All-Star Game last night. The game clocked in at a whopping four hours and fifty minutes. Shamefully, I hung it up after the 12th inning. I stayed up and watched every extra-inning game in the '04 AL Championship (best series in baseball history), and I just don't have it in me to commit to a seemingly endless game in July. Here is the MUS (Made-Up Statistics) breakdown from last night. During the game:

- 100,385 babies were born in the U.S.

- 43 of those babies were born in the Bronx, but their mothers were too busy watching the game to notice.

- 4 of THOSE babies were born in Yankee Stadium itself.

- 120,529 hot dogs were bought in Yankee Stadium.

- 57 hot dogs bought in Yankee Stadium were thrown up by fans sitting in the vicinity of the 4 women who gave birth in the stands.

- Stephen King wrote 85 horror stories.

- Samuel L. Jackson filmed 23 movies.

- 12 nerds in Ohio watched all three Lord of the Rings movies in a row. The extended versions.

- 498 female acquaintances of those 12 nerds continued to not date them.

- 2 Fox Sports baseball commentators spent most of an inning asking Yogi Berra what he thinks of Sarah Jessica Parker.

- 1 satirical blogger got sleepy and went to bed at 12:30 in the morning (EST). Three innings later, the game was over.

Wake me up when it's football season.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The New Yorker Gives Americans Too Much Credit

Recently, The New Yorker printed a story about the use of fear in American politics. The cover of the magazine ties into that story, depicting Barack Obama in the Oval Office wearing traditional Muslim garb, sharing a fist bump with his wife Michelle, who is dressed as a terrorist revolutionary. They are standing in front of a fireplace where an American flag is burning. Above the fireplace is a portrait of Osama bin Laden. You know what, I'll just show it to you:
This image has caused a bit of a to-do with the Obama campaign, for obvious reasons. Even John McCain said the image was tasteless and offensive. The New Yorker defended the image, insisting that it was meant to show the ridiculousness of these attacks on Obama. What the magazine failed to realize is that the people who believe any of these erroneous attacks on the Obamas in the first place will take this magazine cover as gospel truth. People who are weak-minded enough to believe that Obama is a sleeper radical Muslim agent are not likely to be able to detect irony of this sort. People who understand the intent behind the cover image didn't believe any of the Obama rumors in the first place. Those who DO believe those rumors aren't smart enough to understand the cover anyway. So what is the purpose? Is a blue collar, NASCAR-loving, Muslim-hating racist good ol' boy in Alabama going to pick up a copy of The New Yorker and think "Good heavens, the satirical irony conveyed in this image has forced me to re-evaluate my appraisal of the Obamas."? Not bloody likely. Nice try, The New Yorker, but you've given the American populace too much credit. If we were all smart enough to understand that cover image, the rumors about Obama never would have spread in the first place.

Puny human magazine editors.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Lightning Round

Whoops. I did it again. There's been a lot going on over the last week or so, but I couldn't decide what to write about, so you all got nothing. To try to make it up, I'm going to address as much stuff as I can right now in little bite-size chunks. I call it...The Lightning Round! Here we go:

- Hancock was released in theaters nationwide on July 2nd, much to the chagrin of movie critics. It was regarded as a lot of wasted potential. The main complaint most critics had was that Hancock was supposed to be a light spoof of superhero movies, but it ended up being a superhero movie itself. Kind of like how the Shrek movies eventually turned into the kind of movies that the original movie parodied. The problem was, nobody involved in Hancock ever said that it was a light spoof. Critics decided that all on their own before they had seen the movie. That's like ordering a steak, then complaining to the server because the steak doesn't taste like cake, and for some reason you thought it would.

Remember in Undercover Brother, when they refer to white women as "black man's Kryptonite"? Well, somebody turned that concept into a movie.

- Jesse Jackson wants to cut Barack Obama's nuts off. Now, hearing "news" of this kind is not uncommon on Fox News. The unusual thing about this particular instance is that Fox News was reporting something that ACTUALLY HAPPENED. It wasn't hearsay. Jackson actually leaned over a microphone and said "I want to cut his nuts off." Jackson later apologized, and said the remark was "unfortunate." As if it were something completely beyond his control. I'm sure his actual regret was that the microphone was on when he chose to mention his desire to castrate the first black presidential nominee in American history. Jackson is apparently upset because Obama's platform is too broad and doesn't apply only to black people. Apparently he feels that Obama can win the general election by campaigning ONLY to black people. Okay, Reverend, I know that Bush secured two terms by campaigning only to white people, but the math is against Obama if he follows your suggestion. He's doing just fine on his own. And he's doing MUCH better than you did in 1984.

Rev. Jackson is realizing that he can stick the knife pretty much anywhere, because Obama is all balls.

- Tony Snow died of cancer yesterday. On the spectrum of how I feel about his death, it falls right between Tim Russert and Jesse Helms. I didn't agree with a single word I ever heard Tony Snow say, but I don't think he was an evil man. I think he just enjoyed the challenge of having to defend the Bush administration. He died too young, and while I may not miss him, I was saddened to learn of his passing.

Anyone who has read the book or seen the movie "Thank You For Smoking" should realize that this guy was a real-life Nick Naylor, for better or worse.

Thus ends the first Lightning Round. Sorry to leave you folks hanging.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Goodbye, Jesse Helms

You will not be missed. Not by black people, not by women, not by artists, not by musicians, not by PBS, not by homosexuals, and not by me.

Dear readers: if you can, find a way to listen to "Jesse Helms" by MC Hawking (note: the song contains explicit lyrics).

I'm sorry I've been so lax about updating the site. I promise to be better about keeping up, if you all can try to leave comments so I know that someone is actually reading any of this. Deal? Great.