Thursday, August 14, 2008

Thursday Rules: 8/14/08

That's a plural noun, not a statement. I'm going to try to post some Rules every Thursday from now on. Start your skepticism now.

Rule #1

If you can't use a computer well enough to successfully check your e-mail, you can't run for President. A lot of things that go BOOM are hooked up to computers in Washington, and I don't want to hear that you accidentally blew up Guatemala because you were trying to update your MySpace page. If you have no idea how the internet works, stay in the Senate with Ted "series of tubes" Stevens (R, Alaska).

Rule #2

No more reporting on the "Montauk Monster" until we know what the heck it is. I saw pictures. It's a dead dog. Probably. Either way, I don't want to hear any more about it until we know for sure what it is. A guy should be able to check news sites while eating lunch without having a picture of a rotting animal suddenly popping up on the screen.

Rule #3

Stop complaining that the Chinese Olympic gymnasts were not old enough to be competing. They are some of the lucky few Chinese girls who were allowed to live after being born with what their government considers "inferior genitalia." Most of the other girls born around the same time were tossed off of cliffs or sold to Rosie O'Donnell. These girls got to be on international TV instead. Just be happy for them.

Rule #4

Opinions voiced by buffoon characters in movies are NOT always the opinions of the filmmakers. Sometimes "offensive" dialogue is used to illustrate the ignorance and/or stupidity of a comedic character. So don't get your underpants in a twist just because a character in a movie used the word "retard." Yes, it IS an offensive word. No, it wasn't the filmmakers' way of demeaning the world's disabled population. It was meant to establish the ignorance and vapidity of comedic characters. The offensive statements were and are intended as a detriment to THEM, not to the supposed victims of "naughty words." So go see Tropic Thunder already.

Rule #5

DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR CANCER-STRICKEN WIFE! I don't care HOW boyishly handsome you are. Not cool. Bad boy. No biscuit. Thank God you didn't get the nomination. Jerk.

1 comment:

Jamm said...

erm....

#3. the undesirableness of female babies in China in recent history does not really have much to do with the government. It has much more to do with the fact that China is like 80% rural and when that is the case, you have a lot of people having a lot of babies that they can't support. the view in those places is that a boy can support the family, either by working or going to school and getting an educated job. the girl's, not so much (not me, rural Chinese).

#4. uh.. it just looks stupid. plus... blackface? really? they really think they can get away with that?

#5. hm. never heard about that. who was it?