The idea behind a "Blind Review" is that I will review a movie that hasn't come out yet. I will comment on performances I haven't seen, plot points that may not be in the film, and I may add some stuff just for the sake of my own entertainment. Here goes nothing...
The Incredible Hulk
The Incredible Hulk follows the story of scientist Bruce Banner (Edward Norton), a man who toils endlessly in an attempt to control his own destructive rage. In the opening credits of the movie, we are treated to a series of flashbacks outlining Banner's backstory. Bruce and his team created a machine that used focused gamma rays to create a natural-looking, full-coverage tan. The machine was the team's ticket to a Nobel Prize in Fake Baking. Unfortunately for Dr. Banner, during his test of the machine the, uh...flux capicitor...malfunctioned. The resulting burst of gamma rays not only irradiated his cells, but they instantly cooked every Hot Pocket within a five-mile radius.
Banner's custom tanning bed/Hot Pocket cooker
The massive dose of gamma radiation wreaked havoc on the good doctor's blood sugar. Bruce Banner was stricken with Super Hypoglycemia, a condition which would send him into a severe rage whenever his blood sugar level dipped. This rage manifested in Banner physically, transforming him into a massive green cartoon character known as the Hulk. The Hulk is a seemingly unstoppable force when unleashed.
The next flashback shows Bruce Banner in a McDonald's, attempting to order a Big Mac meal. The cashier informs him that it is 10:20 in the morning, and they will not serve Big Macs until 10:30. A panicked-looking Banner doubles over, clutching his stomach. The camera pans in on his eyes, which are squeezed shut. Suddenly (and quite dramatically!), he opens his eyes to reveal glowing green irises. Fade to black, with an animalistic bellow heard in the background. Fade in, showing the smoking crater where McDonald's used to stand.
After the credits, we find Bruce Banner waking up in a bed. Next to him is Betty Ross, played by Liv Tyler. We see her from behind as she gets out of bed and pulls on a robe. She turns around. Her robe is open, but not enough to compromise the film's PG-13 rating. It is open enough, though, for the audience to see what seems to be a vertical row of stitches starting just below her ribcage and running all the way down the center of her torso. From this, we can confirm that this woman is the Hulk's lover. They are in a seedy motel, on the lam from the authorities. Which authorities? All of them. Cops, military, FBI, CIA, FCC, FDA, BET...the whole enchilada. Most of the movie is spent watching Banner and Ross sneak from town to town, hoping to avoid detection. Bruce must keep his blood sugar in check, lest he become a danger to those around him.
The authorities are thrown off the scent temporarily when Banner goes to a courthouse to legally change his first name from Bruce to David. Betty asks if he is doing this to throw their pursuers off course, but Banner tells her that the reason for the change is that the name Bruce is "just too gay." He is Jack's homophobic scientist. Unfortunately, Banner is taken to court by a rapper over the use of his new name, and he is forced to revert back to being Bruce Banner. The chase, once again, is on.
Banner's main nemesis in the movie is Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth), a psychotic soldier who is jealous that Bruce Banner has such a catchy (albeit kind of gay) name, while his own name sounds like something out of Hairspray. To aid his pursuit, Blonsky injects himself with Super Soldier serum. The serum has the unfortunate side effect of turning Blonsky into a massive reptilian creature named Abomination.
Pumpkin?In the movie's climax, a very hungry Hulk is in the streets of downtown Los Angeles (nice place to hide from the public eye, jackass), cornered by the military. The soldiers are furiously lobbing cookies at the Hulk, hoping that he might eat one and balance out his blood sugar. The Hulk's transformation had been triggered by Bruce Banner's frustration at finding nothing but vegan restaurants along the streets of L.A. Their efforts are fruitless, though, as the Hulk is too enraged by the lack of substantial food to eat the cookies. The cookies merely anger him as they bounce off his computer-generated skin. Soon enough, Abomination shows up, ready to rumble. He and the Hulk begin to charge at one another, until Abomination realizes that he doesn't need to destroy Bruce Banner, because now HE has the cooler name. Instead, they work together to rescue Betty, who has been captured by...let's say the Green Goblin. Then it turns out that Bruce Banner and Emil Blonsky are actually the same person. Blonsky was a figment of Banner's imagination. Cue the Pixies song.
Overall, The Incredible Hulk is a disjointed and confusing movie. It's almost as if the writers just made it up as they went along, rather than take the time to write out a thoughtful script.
Rating: 2 Puny Human skulls. I'll work out the scale later.
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