Monday, June 2, 2008

Head to Head: American Gladiators vs. Ninja Warrior

Today's Head to Head is an East vs. West battle of physical challenge-based TV shows. In the blue corner, we have American Gladiators! And in the red corner, hailing from the land of the rising sun...Ninja Warrior!

American Gladiators: The Lowdown


American Gladiators was the granddaddy of consolation prizes during the WGA strike this past November-February. I may not have been able to watch new episodes of Lost, or Chuck, or worst of all, The Office, but for a glorious six-week span I was able to relive my childhood by watching juiced-up mutants smack cops and firemen around with Nerf clubs. My reaction to the news that Gladiators was being revived on television was nothing short of unbridled joy. Then NBC sweetened the deal. I learned that the Hulkster himself, Hulk Hogan, would be one of the hosts of the show. Now, I wouldn't exactly call myself a Hulkamaniac, but I have a deep appreciation for the massive "WTF?" factor that comes with anything involving Hogan and the English language.

Much to my delight, the new incarnation of American Gladiators delivered the goods. The events were fun to watch, the Gladiators had developed pseudo-WWE personalities (I'm sure Vince McMahon is keeping a very close eye on the potential future talent), and yes, the Hulkster uttered some classic Hoganisms. The Gladiators were more than happy to pitch in with their own confusing zingers. American Gladiators is arguably the #1 source on TV for mixed metaphors. Typical Gladiator trash talk goes something like this:

"You may be from the Motor City, Steve, but tonight I'm the Rocky Mountains and I'm going to eat you up like a can of bananas!"

The most confusing ongoing verbal mix-up during the first season involved the largest Gladiator, Justice. There was a great deal of confusion regarding whether or not Justice had been "served" at the end of his events. Sometimes Justice got "served" when he won. Sometimes "Justice was served" when he lost. The American Gladiators production team never quite settled on which interpretation was correct.

The physical challenges in American Gladiators are quite formidable. Many times, the events involve the 150-pound "Contenders" facing the Gladiators, who outweigh them by at least a buck, in some sort of one-on-one contest. This usually ends the way everyone expects it to end. Occasionally, the Contenders compete in an event simultaneously, and this is usually their best chance to score points. Those points get added up over the course of the program, and at the end of the events the point differential determines the leader's head start in The Eliminator. The leading Contender gets a half-second head start for every point they have beyond their opponent's total. The Eliminator is a "grueling" obstacle course in which the Contenders race side-by-side. The winner advances in the tournament bracket, and the loser is eventually mocked on Best Week Ever. In the first season, the two winners of the tournament (one male, one female) were given the opportunity to become Gladiators themselves in season 2. This worked out well enough on the female end, since the overall winner was Monica Carlson, who stood 5'7'' and weighed 130 pounds (slightly smaller than the other female Gladiators, but still within the ballpark size-wise). The male winner, however, was the 5'9" Evan Dollard, who tipped the scales at a whopping 150 pounds. This was the result of designing The Eliminator to be much easier for smaller, faster Contenders. Great for TV, bad for selecting new Gladiators. I really expected Evan's Gladiator name to be "Pipsqueak." This season, he debuted as "Rocket." Every time he stands next to the other Gladiators he gives the impression of a kid brother who wants to hang out with his older brother and all his linebacker friends. It's amazing that the words "gee wiz" have not yet escaped his lips on air. Maybe it's just a testament to the show's editors.

Season 2 has arguably been better than season 1, unless you think ratings are important. So far this season we've seen a deaf Contender, and a Contender with a prosthetic leg. At this point, I'm pretty sure before the end of the season we're going to see a blind albino Contender with no arms. That's just good television.

Overall, American Gladiators is a very physically demanding show, but The Eliminator would be scoffed at by the contestants on our next show...

Ninja Warrior: The Skinny


Ninja Warrior pits individual contestants against a four-stage obstacle course in Japan. Now, calling the challenges faced by Ninja Warrior contestants an "obstacle course" is a bit like calling Kujo a puppy. The Ninja Warrior course is so extremely difficult that in over seventeen seasons, only two men have completed the entire course. Most of the 100 contestants are eliminated before the end of the first stage. "But Grodd, how do they get eliminated?" you may ask. Puny humans. The contestants are eliminated when they fall in the water under each obstacle. Or if they TOUCH the water. Or if the timer, which barely allows enough time for a flawless run, expires. So yeah, it's pretty tough. Every stage is more difficult than the last, and the entire course tests a wide range of abilities, such as speed, strength, stamina, and agility. The first three stages vary from tournament to tournament, but the final stage is always some sort of vertical climb involving a rope and a timer short enough to make Spider-Man pee his pants.

The one upside for Ninja Warrior contestants is that there are no Gladiators on the course. A contestant may fall off a log and disgrace not only their family but their entire ancestral lineage, but at least they won't have to deal with a guy named Wolf punching them in the throat. The show really serves to illustrate the differences between Eastern and Western culture. In the West, our obstacle-course shows always have a winner. You don't have to necessarily be great to win American Gladiators, you just have to suck less than your opponent. Kind of like how Paul Hamm won his Olympic gold medal in '04 (he has not had the same success with Ninja Warrior. Poor little guy just can't get up the Warped Wall). In the East, the culture is more about accepting failure with honor, however disgraced your ancestors might be. That's why the timer counts down on Ninja Warrior and counts up on American Gladiators. Because nothing's as American as making sure people don't feel bad about themselves. I blame the schools.

And the winner is...

Oh crap, did I forget to establish criteria for victory? Am I picking which show is more difficult? More entertaining? Am I judging based on the amount of subtitles? Well, I guess I'll have to break it down. Ninja Warrior's obstacle course is far more difficult than The Eliminator. American Gladiators provides opponents for its contestants, resulting in a more entertaining "battle" aesthetic. But Ninja Warrior always provides completely insane commentary from its MC. I guess this one's a bit of a toss-up. I'll have to leave it to the readers. Assuming there's more than one of you out there. One way or another, justice will be served. Or not. I'm still not sure how that works.

No comments: