Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama met privately last week to iron out a few things. No one is completely sure what exactly they said to each other. Or at least, no one WAS sure. KBG has obtained a transcript of the meeting between the two Democrats (don't ask us how. We don't want to talk about it. And we still feel dirty), and now the whole world can know just what was said. For the purposes of the transcript, "H" stands for Hillary Clinton and "B" stands for Barack Obama.
B: Hillary! Glad you could make it.
H: How are you, Barack?
B: I can't complain. Would you like some coffee?
H: Barack, I watched my husband drink coffee for years. I've seen what it takes to drink coffee, and I can say with utmost certainty that I would not ever want to drink coffee.
B: Okay...a simple "no" would've been fine.
H: I'll just have some water, thanks.
B: Now Hillary, since we're meeting here in private, I was hoping we could work out a way to give the Democrats a definite candidate for the election in November.
H: Yes, I agree. Now, about your surrender...
B: My what?
H: Your unconditional surrender. Let's face facts, Barack. It's over. You lost. I've got almost as many delegates as you do, so I win.
B: Hillary, you're not making any sense. I've got more delegates, so I win. That's how it works.
H: Barack, once again you're showing your inexperience. I get to decide who gets the nomination, and I say I'm the nominee.
B: That's not how it works.
H: Yes it is.
B: No, it isn't.
H: I WILL KILL YOU!
B: ...Pardon?
H: I mean, uh, yes it is. My daddy said so.
B: Since when?
H: Since always. I grew up rich, so I get to do whatever I want. That's how it works.
B: Wrong party, sister. We're Democrats. We let the voters decide.
H: What about the Superdelegates?
B: Shut up, that's what.
H: Can I get some coffee?
B: Coffee?
H: Yes. I would like some coffee.
B: You said you didn't want coffee. You said you would NEVER drink coffee.
H: What? No. That's riciculous. I've always wanted coffee. I want to show millions of women in this country that a woman CAN drink coffee. Yes we can!
B: I told you to stop saying that.
H: What about that coffee?
B: Here, you can finish mine.
H: Barack, I will NOT suffer the indignity of taking your leftovers.
B: Hillary, have you been paying attention to the primaries? You've been taking my leftovers for months.
H: Which is why I'm winning.
B: No, you're not.
H: I will put your head on a pike and leave it on my front lawn as a warning to all the other senators.
B: What?
H: I said "mmmm...coffee."
B: Well, you're still welcome to finish mine.
H: Thanks, I think I will.
B: Now Hillary, I've been wondering why you claim such a strong connection to the blue collar workers despite being wealthy your entire life. It seems a little hypocritical of you to call me an elitist, especially when I'm the one who actually worked my way up in the world.
H: Barack, I understand what it's like to work hard every day and still make barely enough money to provide food for my family.
B: No, you don't. At all.
H: Well, I know what it's like to watch other people work hard every day, and then make barely enough money to fuel my own jet.
B: We're not getting anywhere here. How about this: you let me take the nomination, and I'll tell you where Bill's been going on Thursday nights.
H: Oh please...I know all about Tiffany. And Stacy. And Harold.
B: Okay...how about I tell you where he keeps his private pot stash? You know, the REALLY good stuff?
H: ...Deal. But when you're President, I want three free murders, no questions asked.
B: No.
H: Two?
B: Can't do it.
H: One?
B: Fine, as long as it's not you-know-who. Not even I could cover up the murder of a former President.
H: Him? Oh, no, Barack. He's the least of my concerns these days.
B: And it can't be me, either.
H: Frick. Okay. You've got a deal.
B: Are you done with your coffee?
H: I will not finish my coffee until I know that my supporters have had a chance to make their voices hea-
B: Oh, come off it. Are you done?
H: Yes.
B: Okay then. We should probably kill some time before we leave, to make it look like we were discussing really important things. Do you want to play with my Wii?
H: I thought you'd never ask! Oh...wait. You mean Nintendo Wii, don't you?
B: Of course. What did you think I meant?
H: I, uh...oh, nothing.
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