Og: The Guy Who Invented Everything

I'd like to introduce you all to a friend of mine. His name is Og. Og has been dead for hundreds of thousands of years. The reason Og is significant is that, well...Og invented everything. Not "everything" everything, but a crapload of stuff. We'll be visiting Og again sometime in the future, but today's installment is an encounter between Og and his less spectacular brother, Urk. Og is showing Urk his newest invention. And now, I present...

Og Invents the Bicycle

OG: Salutations, Urk.
URK: Og.
OG: I'm so glad you came by today. I'm anxious to show you my newest invention. I'm quite proud of it, really, and I think it will do a fair bit of good for our modest community.
URK: What that?
OG: Oh, this? Well, this is the result of more than a few weary nights and a substantial bit of pondering. What you see here is something I like to call the "bicycle."
URK: Bi...bi...
OG: You may call it a "bike" if your fancy is so tickled.
URK: Urk like bike.
OG: I'm happy to see that it meets your approval...or were you commenting on my allowance of the abbreviated form of the name?
URK: Urk like short words.
OG: Well, what do you think of the invention itself?
URK: Look dumb.
OG: Oh, come now. You can find nothing of merit in this marvel of engineering and aesthetic design?
URK: Wheel...
OG: Yes! You noticed! My last great machination, the wheel, proved to be quite indispensable to my current endeavor.
URK: Wheel dumb.
OG: Is that really a fair assessment, brother? You may recall that my invention of language seems to have worked out pretty well for everyone...even those of us who seem reluctant to master its nuance and artistry.
URK: Urk like short words.
OG: Yes, that has been established ad nauseum through constant demonstration on your part.
URK: How bike work?
OG: Oh yes! Once again my penchant for rhetoric has detracted from the matter at hand. The bicycle is a means of transportation which will allow us to traverse the terrain at a much more rapid pace than that to which we are accustomed.
URK: Go fast?
OG: Once again, brother, you have managed to cut straight to the point. Yes, it will allow us to move much faster.
URK: But...fall down?
OG: Now we are getting to the real brilliance of it all. Loss of equilibrium will not be an issue after a brief period of orientation to the new device. You see, the generation of adequate rotation of the wheels creates a gyroscopic force sufficient to promote and sustain balance upon the bicycle.
URK: Gyro...gyros...
OG: If go fast, not fall down.
URK: Urk like small words.
OG: Quite.
URK: What bike for?
OG: Well, the most prudent application for the time being would be for use when hunting. Increased velocity when attempting to overtake prey could, and most likely will, lead to a decreased distance for spear throwing, thus ensuring increased accuracy. I suppose over time, we could use bicycles for recreational pursuits, possibly in some sort of speed-related contest. We could bestow upon the winner a saffron-tinted vestment, or perhaps...
URK: Urk want try.
OG: Normally I wouldn't hesitate to acquiesce, but if you recall the time I invented fire you may agree with me that your prior tests of my accomplishments have yielded what could politely be referred to as "mixed results." I do believe you are still missing patches of hair around your neck.
URK: Fire hot.
OG: Quite. Now, why don't we wait to test out the bicycle until I feel you are equal to the challenge?
URK: Bike dumb.
OG: Whatever helps you sleep at night, brother.